I am feeling slightly depressed because I am not doing anything and I feel like I am the only person on this planet who is unemployed. I am waiting for August to be put back into the Career trial scheme. And now, it is only, 9 July and I already busted my budget. When I checked my account, I bought a lot of food and drinks. It was especially hot in Singapore, and I started craving for bubble tea and they helped to quench my thirst. I am mostly active outside so I bought lunch and dinner outside that caused my budget to burst. Everytime I make an intention to prepare meals at home, I will end up buying stuff beyond what I can afford because I am always curious about the things especially in the organic section. 

My mum stopped nagging at me about the issue because she was scared I will get triggered. I have been nagged constantly all my life and this year is my breaking point. I just lost it and get triggered. I will get very upset and depressed. Because I will start to feel worthless and being dragged down and make myself feel worse. I am so exhausted trying to be a better human and it seems nothing is enough to be a " proper" human. I will always have flaws that are just so hard for me to overcome. For example, maintaining cleanliness and purchasing things within budget. I am not sure what is wrong with me but maybe I am just a helpless person and not able to take care of myself when it comes to managing household chores and maintaining the budget. I used to be able to do all the household chores but now I have zero motivation to do anything. I am just on my bed or outside. And now, I am very scared to buy groceries for myself. I tried to track down what I bought on a daily basis but it is stressing me out. And I have a little amount of money left in my bank account. 

I am not sure whether I can secure an internship in August. I am not sure whether I can secure a full-time job. I am getting pessismistic. And my parents are generally not optimistic so it affects me. I just want to be alone all my life and figure things out on my own.

I hope I don't ever get married because I don't want to bother anyone with this helpless soul. I cannot cook and do household so I don't think I can be a good wife. I better just stop finding this soulmate because I do not want to be entangled in a mess and he will never come. I don't think I can make it in marriage. I don't even have a job or any money. I just feel helpless and extremely sad. Maybe this is a punishment for me for what I have done in the past by bothering people and hurting people. I am not sure whether I am worth living. 

I really hope I do not end my life anytime soon.
I really hope so. 
I have not been helping people that much so my oxytocin level is rather low now.
I really hope I do not end my life soon.