There is nothing wrong with me. I am always working in progress and I can take one step at a time to improves aspects of me without added pressure but slowly improve. The ones who accept you will stay with you. 

I just need to comfort myself that the focus now is to manage my symptoms so that when it comes, I can be self-aware and manage them. This is a long-term situation and managing with medication and my own coping strategies are enough for now. I need to be more careful with my boundaries and check in with myself more regularly.

Those who care for me will stay. 

There is no point in comparing my problem with other's people problems because there is a pain in my own wound. How do I tend to other people's pain? 

Everyone has their own problem. It doesn't matter the degree of all of our own problems. For myself, comparing myself to other's problems is only going to hurt me deeply that my problems are not valid and I will start to overthink things that are beyond my control. I realize I cannot force myself to read Islamic books or watch Islamic videos of preachers in the state of my mental instability. For myself, I need to calm myself down and give myself time to focus. Then when I am ready, I can start doing all this.

Yes, it is true, this illness is a blessing and a curse because I may never know whether what I am going through are symptoms or my real self. And it frustrates me but I have to focus. It is a blessing because I have more self-awareness that this life is temporary. I rather suffer in this Dunia, than,  suffer in the Hereafter. Having too much comfort in this life is a sign that I am too far from Him. If He loves a servant, He will plan trials for the servant so that the servant does not lose himself as a human being.

This is in line with a passage from "Light upon light - A collection of letters on life, love, and god", written by Nur Fadhilah Wahid. 

  " .........when you start walking towards Allah,  Allah runs towards you. And in the process, the world falls far behind, until what's left is only Allah and you. 

And after all the struggles and the hardship, when you have finally rid yourself of the love of your life of this world, will you then find true ease with Allah s.w.t. 

But until then, welcome to the path of hardship, the path of the prophets and the saliheen. "

Till then, I will live day by day and take it slow.