This was the endless Istighfar in my life. For the past three months, I was entangled in a very bad mess that was difficult to escape. Only Allah knows how much hurt and pain that I went through to actually learn my lesson that I will never find my jodoh from dating apps. Because it was so traumatizing that I felt that it was another version of me who went through it. I did not heed anyone's advice but I was following syaitan's whispers for the entire time and it depleted my faith and my closeness to Allah that I have put my effort in.

I felt weak spiritually, depleted of the light of faith. It took me a few days to recover from the sickness and for my logical sense to come back to me after spending an ample amount of time with good companions and also making doa constantly to Allah every moment of the day.

When I was out on an island with good companions, I looked up at the sky and asked Allah to forgive me so that I can renew my faith again and be closer to him again, It was such a desperate doa that no one notices me looking up at the sky. 

Yes, I am a believer but I am very weak. If I am not in the constant company of believers and always alone by myself and always talking to myself in public, Prayers alone is not enough.  I will easily get sick inside. And to make things worse, I have not found a job that I can occupy myself with. Syaitan will always try its best to disturb the believer so that the believer will fall into sins again and again. Now, I do not dare to be alone for a long period of time in public. And I have cut the habit of talking to myself. 

Now, I am so remorseful and learnt my lesson to accept that my jodoh is somewhere out there. Maybe I will only meet him in Jannah. Isn't it more beautiful to see him in the pure state of iman? I rather see him in Jannah and his beautiful face filled with the love and mercy of Allah. This is the best way to see him and I accept it.