Since I was discharged in March, my mood was not stable till only recently when the dosage is increased to 400 mg Lithium (a mood stabilizer). I am just hoping that this is the last time things happen with my symptoms. My moral compass is more firm now. I am just grateful that this is the first time I feel like my real self. In my real self, I am calm, patient, not angsty at all, more rational. I have a sweet and loving personality. 

With my symptom of mood disorder, I will be very erratic, very happy for no reason, extremely angsty when triggered, and very rebellious. I always have this feeling of attacking someone. I will say things that cannot be understood by logic. Now, I understand why my friends just cannot get me. Haha! This period of mood disorder is much better than the previous ones last year when I stopped medication on my own due to my grandiosity. During that time, I felt like I could solve the world's problems and felt like I want to talk to the North Korean leaders and also all the CEOs in the world. I felt like a soldier inside me full of energy and ready to fight. It feels hilarious to me but embarrassing to me. And I thought I was a healer that can heal people. OMG.

The hikmah behind all this is now I finally understand deeply for people who have mood disorders like or people with other aspects of mental health challenges such as psychosis. Wow, it is such a journey for me that it totally change me as a person. Being a Muslim, I finally let God be in charge of my life and I release the need to take charge. I stop worrying about my provision in this Dunya and let go of this worry to Him. God really makes me feel humbled to the ground. His provision can come in many ways unexpectedly through my prayers and my trust in Him. His plan is so precise as the events unfolded in front of my eyes. Everything seems to be connected and makes sense to me. God helps to calm me down and its essence feels like a piece of soothing music to my ears.  Now, life feels beautiful to me now. The day will get better than yesterday. There is always beauty behind the perceived suffering and pain as it builds patience, deep insight and chisels me into my real self. 

I rather take medication for a lifetime than risking any symptoms that come out of me because it will affect people that I love dearly especially my friends and family. 

I just want to lead a simple life, having a respectable job and enough money to pursue my hobbies and interests. And help people in the local community. My purpose in life I think is to help people who are vulnerable and need support. 

P.S Now, I feel tired and weak. No energy to rebel already. Haha!