The reason why I open this website is for me to document what I have been through so that I look through and refresh myself on my journey. This is important so that in case I have symptoms of any kind, I can be more aware. I just listed all of my symptoms and written down the solution to manage them and the key thing is for people around me to know that they just have to calm me down, remind me of God to bring peace into my heart and in my mind, and pray for guidance. This website serves as a manual book for me to refer to. It also reminds me of my best despite my shortcomings. It also reminds me of hobbies and my interests. And also my passions in mental health, the poor, autism, LGBT (for Muslims only), and disability. 

During intense emotions, I cannot go out because my thoughts would be all over the place and it will frustrate people. I will feel guilty and I tend to blame myself so the best thing is to stay in my room and calm myself down and focus on my self-care. When I feel at peace, able to supplicate humbly, and able to recite the Quran with calmness in my heart, then I can go out to meet my friends. Because if not, my symptoms will be visible. If I am angry, I will act like a dictator. If I am sad, I will tend to be in self-pity mode. If I am too happy, I will act like a small child. And this is the most embarrassing of all the symptoms. Can. you imagine if a friend of yours 10 years younger is watching over you like a father figure and you are running around like a small child? Only Allah knows how I feel. That's why I need to be more disciplined in making sure that I take care of myself and also avoid staying up late at night. 

And after what I have been through, I can forget about finding love. I don't think anyone will ever be interested in me because my symptoms may be unpredictable. And I don't want to burden anyone with my issues that are just so hard to comprehend. 

Yes, I contribute a lot to the community. I was part of the photography project to raise mental health awareness. And I made new connections. I helped my peers with their intense emotions by doing an emotional check-in with them so that I can help to soothe them and give them the courage to let it out. Yes, I am able to do simple coaching for peers who need help. And I am able to facilitate a circle of safety discussions to build trust with my peers. And yes, I shared my recovery story to the public as a human library and people will come to me for comfort and advice. And yes, I am a worthy person, deserving to be loved. And people always say that I am inspiring. 

And I will focus on helping the community for the rest of my life and care for myself and my family. 

I realize that I do not need to beat myself up if I lack in some aspects because I can never be perfect. I have done more than enough to prove that I work really hard to care for myself. And I even contribute a lot to the community. And this is something I want to be grateful for. 

In 2019, I could not speak because I was in a state of paranoia. And now, I can express really well even through writing. And yes, two of my symptoms are that I can talk for more than one hour and I can write essays after essays on Whatsapp. From not being able to socialize, I can socialize well. 

Having Schizoaffective disorder really brings out the worst and the best in me. I am not sure whether to be grateful for this.

But I just want to apologize to my friends and family for my mental illness. I do not know what to do anymore. 

Right now, I just seek for additional professional help for emotional support and I hope the line of support can help me because I am really tired to do this. The memories of my symptoms from my life journey still haunt me today. 

I really hope I can get through this life till the end of my time.