People come and go.
Yes, it is tough to let go of people that really mean so much to you. This is an important lesson for me not to have many friends because some of them will disappoint you. Someone told me once that these "friends" may just label me at a certain level. He reminds me to maintain an inner circle of friends that I can trust. This inner circle of friends is my secondary school. It is very rare for me to meet them. But when we meet, I feel safe with them despite me, not being able to keep up with their adult conversations of having a career and such. Out of love, I let go of people that are not meant to be in my life with the intention that they can focus on their own life. As an INFP, I cannot be friends with everyone any longer like I used to. The medications have mellowed me down and caused me to reach the baseline of my behavior. I no longer identify myself as ENFP during my mood fluctuations period. I will still be intuitive and I have so much empathy for people around me and I do have wild imaginations and ideas for the future. I am just no longer comfortable meeting a lot of people because it will eventually drain my energy away. 
​
I still hold on to some acquaintances out of respect that they involve me in their lives. 
Letting people go is painful for me because I do have intense emotions of longing for people who matter to me. I begin to accept my strengths and my flaws because they are all part of me. I have a duty to protect myself by setting firm boundaries and soothe myself when I feel hurt by people's criticisms. 
​
I no longer have any emotional connection with my family anymore. They lack empathy and they are not good listeners and they do not know how to validate my emotions. My family is not a safe space for me to express myself. I can only express my vulnerability to the therapist and my private diary. Everyone has their own issues in their own lives so I should not vent out my private issues into their bubble space. This is another lesson that I learnt as well. 
​
From today onwards, I do not wish to bother people anymore. I will be more quiet and introspective. And I will be extra careful when opening up to people especially in the first encounter. I no longer can trust people easily. I only trust myself the most to make decisions that are best for me. 
​
Despite the uncertainty, I just hope that my human existence does not hurt people too much and does not bother people too much. I may hurt people without any intention but I cannot control their behaviour towards me so I have to respect them as well. This applies to me as well I can get hurt by other people and they cannot control me. 
​
I just want to lead a meaningful life and my dream is to effect a change in the community and in the world in my humble ways. 
​
If you are reading this post, please know that you deserve love and to be loved by people that matter to you the most. Please take care and stay safe! 
​
With deep deep love,
Afiqah 
​
​
​