Today I felt better as I no longer had relapse for the past few months. No suicidal thoughts. I manage to overcome the sudden feeling of jealousy. As we all know, we have many kinds of emotions. The most important is not to act on the feeling that will lead to a negative outcome. It is only healthy if we use it for the good. I have gone through many challenges in my life; being a caregiver for my grandma has been the main challenge from 2012 to 2019. My challenges of having my mental health condition from 2013 till now as I am still having medication. These two are my biggest test from God. Now, my challenge is to get a job for myself and earn a proper income. I need to learn how to manage stress. Also, being nervous around people especially my relatives. My spirit is improving day by day and I am grateful for this. My latest challenge is to lose my wallet on that fateful day 20 Feb 2023. I nearly fainted when I found about it. No one has returned the wallet to me and I already file a police report. Allah really eases my affair till this day so I accept it with redha. 
My other challenge is to read the Quran at least once a day. It is difficult as I have no motivation to do that. I prefer to listen to audio mixtape that records the recitation of doas. 

You know I am not sure whether I will ever go to Jannah.So, I have to surround myself with god conscious people.I have to improve myself slowly through the islamic lens. Ramadan is coming soon on the 22 March 2023. I have to have the mindset that we may never got the chance to reach to the following year of 2024 with Ramadhan. 

To me, God is like my best friend. There is nothing I can do without him. He never scolded me for the sins that I have committed. He has been extremely patient with me. I always try my best to be steadfast in doing good and also to be husnuzon of others. It has lighten my burden and I feel lighter. What is meant for me, will reach me. What is not meant for me will never reach me. 

I would like to go to umrah one day.I yearn to visit masjid Nabawi and to see the Kaabah. I want to let the tears rolling down my cheeks. For Allah. For Allah. Do pray for me.