Due to extreme sadness and despair, I cried so much on some days in my prayers. And my aqal is disturbed and this results in my lack of rationality, lack of logic and obsession. And sometimes I will feel a sense of grandiose that I am a wali which of course is not true because I have no Islamic education and no scholarly knowledge of any kind. The unfortunate thing is my closest friend took me seriously that I have a direct conversation with God. But these are my symptoms of mental health issues during my emotionally turbulent times. I will say predicted outcomes that do no make any sense to human logic.

Now, that I am stable, I feel so ashamed of what has happened despite being on medication. I believe in things that are illogical and it affects my mental well-being. I just feel so confused right now that I keep asking for repentance from God for all the things that I have said, believed in that can cause his wrath and anger towards me. I lost my moral compass as a muslim to a point that I cannot listen to Westerns songs and many more. These symptoms, come with overthinking. The flaw in my moral compass and the symptoms actually make me extremely remorseful towards myself.

I am just so scared it could happen again. I have to guard myself with a firm moral compass by surrounding myself with good companions, recite the Quran, and make humble supplications to Him so that He can guide me and protect me from things that are not meant for me. It is extremely hard to be gentle with myself and be kind to myself as I am battling with my thoughts. And my appointment with my therapist is so far away that I feel so frustrated because I have so many deep-rooted issues to discuss with the therapist.  Writing this down helps me to get this mess out of my head.