It is tiring and frustrating for me to have this mini episodes. Is it from my thoughts that it happen? I feel lost. Can someone tell me what is going in me. Everything started when I hold on to a thought seriously and the thought expanded to other thoughts. I have the fear of travelling. I rarely enjoy myself when travelling. Especially if the place is far away from home. I always imagine myself of spirits around me and my mind is auto-pilot thinking about them. Now, I have more self-control so I imagine less of the being. These imagination can cause me anxiety as well. I got it so badly in Indonesia. It was terrible. I did not enjoy the trip most of it. It is tiring to grapple with this imagination and anxiety. Maybe it started out because I have nothing to do at home except for housework. 

Back to my anxiety issue, it must have come from a train of thoughts. For example, the fire drill operation. I was just so stressed up as I could not count the number of students in the hall. There was an error. I just gave the headcount of the pupils. Easier for me. I felt tired having these thoughts. 

I am very afraid of going travelling as I have recurrent bouts of being anxious and this will ruin the whole mood of travelling. 

To end of, I am waiting for the rehab centre to get back to me as I want to be back to rehab again. It is hard for me to be happy. I am not sure why. I always put on a smile to show people that I am happy. When I say to people I have low self esteem, I smiled. I always tell people that I am okay. I have not been okay for a long period of time. I am not sure whether fluoxetine works on me. It a SSRIs anti depressant. It prevents the reuptake of neurotransmitter so that the serotonin remain between neurons so that the messages can be transmitted correctly. 

How do this people commit suicide?
I always find it hard for myself to do it as it is scary and irresponsible for my body. I will never do that. I really hope one day I can feel contented and happy again and enjoy my Turkey trip.