The flashbacks that went through my mind were so bad after my mental stability. I screamed in my heart and I felt depressed. My memory is really strong. I still could remember what happen 10 years ago and grief about it. I would like to share about my uncle who also has a mental health condition. He is always angry and when he is angry, it could last for the whole day.

And he also have flashbacks till he would cry or feel other emotions. He is always sent to the psychiatric ward almost every year. I am always the most approachable to him out of my all my cousins even though he made me cry over the phone. Maybe I am just too nice. He always mentioned to me to be more responsible in the household and to take care of my grandmother. And he would go on and on until I could not take it anymore.

And it made me cry. I feel pathetic sometimes because I am just emotional and cannot contain my tears. I know I am always the most responsible doing what needs to be done. I wonder why I cannot use my logic to stop myself from crying. But my uncle is my main trigger and I need to stay away from him before I got into another breakdown. My younger cousin is diagnosed with depression and I wonder how he is doing right now. None of my relatives knew about my mental health condition except for my female cousin and an uncle who doesn't seem to understand the mental illness.

I feel embarrassed to face my relatives so I am thankful that for the COVID. How do I explain to them the cause of my unemployment? How do I explain to them I am trying very hard to stable? That's why I don't like large gathering and prefer to stay in my room and read my books. I prefer to be alone all the time. 
And yes, my neighbour, I tried my best not to speak to her at all. She loves to ask about my employment and it makes me uncomfortable because I don't want to tell her about my mental health condition. She may tell other people about me because she is always over friendly. 

I am so grateful that I am naturally an introvert and shy. And very soft spoken and gentle to people. I hardly get angry at all. I like to be silent and take a step back. I realise a few things about myself when I am stable, I actually bother to tidy up my wallet. Previously, it was extremely messy with receipts. My room is so much neater and I am very considerate. When my mum bought the wrong flavour for the Vitamin supplement, I just said it's okay it's fine. I did not say negatively about her. When my parents gave me advice, in my sick self, I take it as nagging and I just rebel against them even for a small thing. Now, I just listen and nod my head. In my sick self self, I love to meet new people and I become extroverted and I suddenly thought I am a natural networker or good in networking. Now, I just laugh at it because I don't like to meet new people at all and I don't like to network. 

But I am in awe of my symptoms and the 3 different characters that I play out mainly dictator, child and a wali ( a scholar who got revelations from the above.) Haha, I just feel like hiding in a box when I recalled about them. I was so ashamed with myself that I had to apologise to my friends and thank them for their care. I am sorry if I am repeating this again and again. Please bear with me. 

I am sweet, nice, loving and understanding. This is my real self and I want to be grateful because I am back to my real me. (: