After 10 days of having the new dosage, I feel more like myself. I actually forgot how I was like. I remembered that I was a very shy and quiet girl in school but very intelligent. My teacher used to write a comment in the report book, "Afiqah is too quiet for her own good." Despite being so extremely quiet, I scored relatively well for exams.

Right now, I still do talk a lot but it is way much better with my family support to calm me down. So I need to be extremely aware to talk slowly and less and wait for a response. I feel very shy and feel like more of a girl now. I want to wear dresses and wear pretty handbags and also nice sandals. That's pretty amazing! So relieved right now that I am back to my usual self. 

Before this, I feel like a boy and I dress up like a boy with a tote bag. And I tend to be aggressive, rebellious, and imaginably stubborn especially to my parents who know me way better than I am. Now, I listen to my parents with their every word so that I take care of my well-being. I keep laughing to myself about what I have done and apparently, the symptoms are still there but more reduced than the previous year.
I no longer feel like a warrior or a soldier but I feel like a beautiful flower blooming in the vast greenery. 

I keep screaming quietly in my room because it was just too much for me to handle. And only through prayers, helps me to calm down and accept that the illness and my real self are two separate entities. So, when I am ready I will work on my maintenance plan so that I am stable for the long term and I also need to work on my level of awareness so that I do not speak too fast, too much. I read the stories about people with mental health challenges and they have their own version of their story. 

I value myself more now because it took me months (I am not sure actually....close to a year) to be back to my real self. I appreciate myself more than I have many strengths. I have even listed down the projects that I want to do for myself to keep me occupied for the time being. I love myself even more for staying strong and patient to be where I am today.

Yes, I am scared that my symptoms will come back in the future. I am scared of a relapse. I am scared if I ever can hold a full-time job like my friends. I am optimistic that things will get better. If the symptoms come, then I will alert my case manager and discuss them with the doctor. With a maintenance plan, the symptoms are supposed to improve over time and this makes me hopeful that I can lead a normal life with maintenance, crisis, and post-crisis plans in place. This is something I just got to know even though I heard of it in the past. And my last hope is not to be admitted to IMH ever again and I really hope the March admission is my last because I really want to move on with my life focusing on my hobbies, interests, career, and family and friends. And, to commit to medication for the rest of my life (even if the doctor I can reduce over time but it is too risky for me).