I am reflecting about the recent months of what really happen. My mood is no longer normal. It becomes so erratic. My mood fluctuation disorder is something I cannot grasp fully. Let's not even talk about mastering of the mind as I am not sure whether I can absolutely master my mind. At this moment when I am writing, I feel that my mood is the most stable I would say. The psychiatrist told me that I will know myself whether my mood is normal for a long-term. I always wonder if I have done enough to build myself but yes, I have so many things to build on. Especially having consideration for others, have adab in so many things and really empathise and understand with people on another level.

There are so many things to improve and I realise I have to give myself some time to let myself to get better. There are bad habits that I cut off immediately such as talking to myself and venturing into locations alone for an extended period of time. And foremost, to trust God in all matters of life. I think for now, the best prayer I can ask from him is for him to guide me with his love and mercy in matters that I have no control over. From a book by Shaykh Ebrahim, Millenium Discourses, there is a line that strikes me. In every  matter, say "Alhamdullilah" and say " There is a blessing in this situation. I may not know why it happens this way but Allah loves me so much and Allah just wants to protect me from going too far from him and He wants me to come to him so that I am on the right path like Prophet s.a.w and his amazing companions."

This calms the heart into submission to Him so we have redha. No matter how disastrous the situation is, say Alhamdullilah and go back to Him for comfort and protection. 

I know my challenges are in forms that the prophet s.a.w and his amazing companions never experienced before. My challenge is different from my neighbour, my friends and  other muslims. So I just need to comfort myself that the challenge is to chisel me into someone better than before. And I need this mental health challenge to make me a better person because it is meant for me. And that's why my new boundaries are important to protect myself and my loved ones from hurt and pain. 

Trust him and let go of things that does not matter to me anymore because there are more exciting things that God has planned for me in years ahead. Looking at multiple perspective, I feel that I have to learnt not to take things too hard on myself or take others so seriously because it will not serve me any good. I have strengthen my emotional boundaries by deactiving social media (Facebook, Instagram, Youtube ), Telegram and reading news.

Yes, it is just funny right how on earth I want to do that but it is because I have problem of self-control when it comes to using these platforms and it is best I avoid it to prevent further shame on myself when my relapse comes again in the future. I have put in places other types of boundaries like time, physical, spiritual, intellectual and social so that I meet my personal needs as a human being to feel safe and secure around the bubble of safe space. There are so many small boundaries in my aspects of life but it helps me to decided on what I need for myself and what I do not need as a form of self-respect.

I feel more sober now after the dramatic situation has happened. I am just grateful that it is over and I told myself it will never happen again and just rebuild my moral compass all over again as a muslim so that I can follow my heart to guide my life decisions. Now, I feel exhausted and tired and I have no idea how long more I need to recover in this journey. Writing all of this is a good form of documentation so that I can look back and see how far I have come.

I just hope I learnt all the learning points really well so that bad things don't hit me again as a wake-up call. I just want to be a better muslim and a better human being. Be a human first then be a muslim. <3 

And to my jodoh who may or may not come into my life, I just want to say that I really hope you are doing well and doing what you love and I really hope you found me in this world or in Jannah. I will wait for you.